Car TV Blogs Ultimate Car Ranking is a result of a complicated non mathematical formula that gives us an idea where a manufacturer really is in the food chain of car universe.  As in the food chain there are more rats than lions. So the number of cars sold alone will not necessarily get the brand ranked high on Car TV Blogs Ultimate Car Ranking. Car brands will be ranked on style, design, performance, legacy, iconic models, category creating models, intangibles, market relevance, how embarrassing it it is to drive it, current model lineup…

Here it goes

1 Mercedes Benz

Mercedes started it all when Karl Benz invented the  internal combustion engine. Because of the head start Mercedes lineup is superior to that of  any competitor. So if you have done well at school or  born in to a family were your mother is much better looking than your rich father this is your first choice. Styling addresses the needs of new money but finds a fine balance between excessive bling and the rich design heritage. Mercedes is definitely a brand that is thinking about the future by building future classics today.

Who can drive one?

Gypsy elders without a single non gold tooth. Hip Hop and other stars. Doctors, lawyers, my mom, your mom…anyone who can afford one.

Mercedes is not a chick car, unless you spend a lot of money on a hot and fast one. Or get a hard top convertible.

2 Alfa Romeo

I was going to let the pictures do all the all the talking, but if I did that  no one would understand why Alfa is not ranked first. Alfa romeo is like a hot headed (Italian)girlfriend. Sometimes she purrs like a cat and other times you have to avoid china that is flying towards you. To expect slave like reliability from Alfa means reducing it to being just a car. Alfa is more like a cool friend that knows all the hottest girls and the bluest deserted beaches to take them skinny dipping. Lets hope that Fiat buys Chrysler and brings Alfa to North America.

3 VW

Perfectly balanced lineup. Style for less without the cheep feel. You could argue that its fashion forward yet timeless design is more old money than the flashier German brands Mercedes and BMW. You can pick a model based on your needs or with your eyes closed and the car you end up with is going to be great.

Who can drive one?

Everyone. Its the peoples car.

4 BMW

Head of the BMW design team is fired. All we can do now is wait and see if they can make us fall in love again. For now if you have to buy one get a x5-Almost a decade old design is still the best in the lineup. O yes it still is the best handling car across the lineup.

Who can drive one?

BMW has become a rite of passage and conformist car. If you always wanted one from the begging of time when it used to be cool you will buy it as soon as you can regardless of how bad the current design is. You have my permission. Get it out of your system. You can always pretend that you like it for its  excellent driving characteristics. It is also a great car to impress Asian chicks.

5 Audi

Solid lineup, impeccable modern and balanced design, great performance…to make a long story short a Volkswagen. Only problem is it shouldn’t be. It should be its own, different, more everything that it`s not and less of what it is. There is no such thing as cookie cutter luxury. But what is good about Audi is good enough to keep it from sliding lower on our list.

Who can drive one?

Polish people with bad haircuts, Polish people with good haircuts although I think they loose their passport for this violation, people who hate new BMW or want a quarto but do not want to look at a Subaru in their driveway. I would drive one to if I sold some ads an my page.

Nice frojlajns

6 Jaguar and Landrover

I am going to let Jaguar and Land Rover to share the 6th place since they already share the same fate. They are owned by Tata. Manufacturer known for launching the worlds cheapest car. Hopefully there will be no platform sharing. If Tata wants to sell a single vehicle in this price range they should stick to teleconferencing just to find out when the new car is ready. Less hands on the better. Sell lats of deathtraps for r&d money for Jag and Land Rover to burn trough. In return you get to brag that you own Jaguar and Land Rover to all of your Indian friends. Kind of like when Slum Dog Millionaire won at the Oscars.

Who can drive one?

Jags are cool as long as you don’t think that x type is a Jag. Technically anyone could drive one but very few can afford the best of Jag.

Land Rover-There is only Range Rover and Range Rover Sport. Discovery might be good off-road but unless you live on a mountain top you have bought one because you can not afford the real one. Which leaves us with stars, athletes trophy wives…

Jaguar Land Rover babes

I almost gave up but then I found few more

7 Volvo

You are going to be safe unless you fear boredom. Volvo’s are cool because they are not trying to be BMW or Mercedes. You are not only safe from injury in a Volvo.Volvo protects you from sharing it with new money drivers. I also think they did a great job of keeping the design heritage alive. They made something terrible in to something great. The box is round(ish).

Who can drive one?

Doctors, Scandinavians, people wearing expensive plain looking clothes.

8 CitroënPeugeotRenault

I wrote the 3 together as a suggestion for a merger. The first two are already under one roof. It is impossible to determine which one of the 3 is the best(or worst). However we  need the french socialist cars because they are wonderful in all the decadent ways. I remember Renault 25 my uncle drove felt like it was floating, reminded me of childhood dreams of flying …or my neighbours white Peugeot 404 that made him look and act like a Jan Luc Godard movie character. This is the only real life person i know that was black and white. Seriously. I saved the best for last. Citroen DS. The past alone is enough to keep them high on our list and the cars they make today range between bad to fantastic. c6 alone will keep them ahead of the Japanese.

Who can Drive one?

Kids looking for cheep cars to put large mufflers on. Quebec separatists, Assassins-according to Top Gear and they are right. Sophie Marceau… Who can drive one?

8 Saab

Saab is 8th not only because I like them but because of what they could have been if it wasn’t for GM. GM did just about everything wrong. Saab was the only cool brand that they owned when they had some cash yet they did nothing to position it against the Germans. Instead they dropped the iconic 900-9-3 body style-worlds only premium hatchback-because Americans don’t buy hatchbacks. And kept 95 around for a decade without a redesign 2 decades if you look at how similar it is to Saab 9000. And yet it is still not to late to save Saab. I will be writing an article on what GM should have done and what they can still do to save Saab and what is left of their company. I just hope they will still be around when I publish it.

Who can drive one?

Pretentious and old money. Doctors and architects. My wife would like old 900 convertible. I am probably buying a Saab as my next car.

9 Fiat

I Love the new 500. I would buy one for my wife and end up driving it more than she does. Rest of the design team is obviously working on Alfas and dreaming up new Ferraris so the current lineup is not as cool as it should be. As for new Lancias I do not know if it is possible to make uglier cars. I must admit that i have not seen one live but the promo pictures look horrifying. If they takeover Chrysler I hope the only thing they keep is the dealer network.

Who can drive one?

Everyone. Its Italy’s VW

10 Ford

Ford did a better job buying other brands than making cars in recent history. They also did ok flipping them when they needed cash. In the mean time they picked up few tricks and the new fords are not hard on the eyes. The mystery is why they have not brought the European Focus and Mondeo to North America. I guess they were afraid that someone other than hicks will buy their cars.

11 Nissan

Nissan is Asia’s least embarrassing car maker as long as you do not go for the upgraded Model.  Altima looks hundred times better than the Maxima and Z350 looks better than the Infinity whatever they call that thing. They take more chances designing their cars and it pays off.

Who can drive one?

People stuck on Japanese reliability that still have design criteria.

12 Acura

Acura is a better looking Honda that they sell in North America. It is a brainchild of the same meeting. Two dacade`s ago all Japanese makers got together in their boardrooms and concluded that  there are not enough stupid people that would pay tens of thousands  more for an  Accord or Camry with leather seats. But if we give them embarrassing quiche names that are play on words like Luxury Accuracy and no play(of any kind) in Infinity’s case. They would sell like hot cakes. Mazda disagreed and did not create ther own upgrade brand. They were wrong. Milenia and her wenkel engine did not take off even tough it was the only interesting and honest attempt of luxury and excess. Acura just ended up being the best surrogate for the kind of prestige you get from Audi.

Who can drive one?

People who did not want to buy expensive Honda’s in the eighties.

13 Cadilac

Lets see; there is cts and the rest of the lineup has the size and handling characteristics your living room would if it was a car. I liked the look of STS and the Northstar engine but cadillacs  idea of redesign was taking a car that works when it is the size of cts and streching it so that it is big enough to be sts.

Who can drive one?

Americans

14 Opel

Opel could have saved the GM if only they new they were in trouble.

Who can drive one?

Europeans

15 Honda

There is enough passion to keep it from being classified as an appliance manufacturer. Buy the Civic if you have to buy a Honda because you think it will never break down. Also make sure it is not a Hybrid.

Who can drive one?

Loud muffler and base crowd. Polish people who can`t afford the Audi. Engineers, people who think they never break down.Their belief did not change Honda’s mind. They are keeping the service departments at the dealerships.

16 Chevrolet

No identity of any kind, just a range of grey or borrowed re badged models. They did a good job on the corvette but they forgot to change the interior since 1981.

Who drives them?

People who rent cars. People who have not heard of  Honda.

17 Chrysler Soon to be Fiat hopefully.

Who drives them?

Nobody.If you want some peace and quiet go to the Crysler showroom.

18 Subaru

Subaru is on a mission to find out how long they can stay in the car business without a design team. Now that the current record holder in that category(Toyota) owns them there is little hope that anything will change. But if you value substance over style Subaru is a great choice. Nothing goes as fast in and out of  bends as Impreza, and for so little money.

Who can drive one?

Soccer moms and rally enthusests.

19 Mitsubishi

Mitsubisshi looks great but it is trying to make their cars look like the other Japanese cars look after kids put all the extra parts on them.

Like Subaru if you like a car that is fast enough to win races and  you sit when you pee. Mitsubishi is your car.

Who can drive one? Girls and asian men.

20. Mini

I like the Mini.

Who can drive one?

People who dont bother thinking about lifes petty dilemas like if they can get more car for the money. They bought it because it is cute and drives nice and moved on with their life.

21 Mazda

Not very zoom zoom these days. Mazda 3 was fantastic. It brought Mazda out to play with the big boys. Only VW was better in that class. Than they redesign it and here they are, behind a company that makes only one car.

Who can drive them?

Girls, Homosexuals, Japaneese car buyers. People who think that Miata is a sports car.

22 Skoda

Peoples car for people who want the peoples car for less.

Who drives them?

Non conformsts, bad tippers, my dad, cab drivers in southern Europe…

23 Seat

If you prefer your VW to be assembled by Spanish people between 2 siestas. Seat is your car.

24 Jeep

They need to understand that they are not making shoes. How Manny different sizes of  SUV do you need? If you ask Jeep its 6.

Who drives them?

People who like bicycles and hanging them on the back of a SUV.

25 Suzuki

Not as bad as they could be.

26 Who cares but here they are anyway DodgePontiacBuickLincoln

That is all.

If you have not found your favorite car on our list check back in a few days when I do cars as Appliances list. I will also be doing exotic, fast and expensive ranking.